I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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