2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
