i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
