I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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