Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Is it because I queefed?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
