Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
