you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
