I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
