would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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