i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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