i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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