So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
