somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
