The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
