Will you blow on my dice?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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