It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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