he wants to bone in the snuggie
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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