I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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