one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
