Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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