Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
