Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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