even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
