Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
