The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
