If i come over, it means nothing
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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