It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
