I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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