i think i have two assholes
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
