you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
