did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
