I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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