He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
