Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
