I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
