You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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