I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
