Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't deserve a penis
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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