His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
