ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
