so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
