My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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