i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
