Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Someone came in the potted fern
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
