Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
