I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
