New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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