A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
