Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
