Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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