when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
