my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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