mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
