ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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