im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
