1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
